The Rockface.

Seven and a half weeks in...

We are at the rockface of new babydom...

I'm not going to write about the lowlights. Needless to say we are sleep deprived and clinging on by our fingertips. Exhausted from the cumulative sleepless nights and there still seems to be no light at the end of that tunnel.

So here are the highlights of the last few weeks. These are the things that have kept me going.

1) STRICTLY (of course). The squeal from the sitting room last night as it came on.. "Brucie's back Mummmmeeee" yelled Mini. It's a family affair.

2) Ali Bastion. She's a beautiful dancer. We all love Ali. We all want her to win.

3) The Madagascar 2 soundtrack. Perfect for dancing round the kitchen on these dreadful wet weekends. Lifts the soul and makes you think of Africa.

4) Wine. Lots of it. Every night.

5) Maths. Believe it or not, doing Senior's maths homework with her is surprisingly refreshing. It's pathetic how excited I get when she recites the ten times table.

6) My mum. I just don't know what I would do without her. She swoops in like Florence Nightingale, ladened with delicious food. She takes the baby and looks after me. Fantastic.

7) My friend Sarah. I could not have got through the last few months without her.

8) Spooks. Back and better than ever. Even though I haven't actually been able to watch it all the way through as I've been up and down the stairs with a crying baby. But just knowing that it's there, waiting for me, on Sky plus.

9) Dummies. Thank god for them. Never used them with the last two. LOVE them now.

10) Christmas. A goal to work towards and something to get excited about. Doing my christmas shopping online is a welcome distraction albeit if I do most of it with a small sleeping baby draped over me..

Mummy rebellion..

Thanks to the DREADED COLIC, I apparently can't drink coffee or diet coke - so how am I supposed to stay awake?

I can't drink wine - so how am I supposed to calm down at the end of the day?

I should avoid eating wheat, dairy, beans, onions, peppers, garlic, spices, tomatoes, orange juice, fruit, bananas and worst of all - chocolate.. so what the hell CAN I eat?

One of the few pleasures I have right now is being able to eat pretty much what I want, pretty much all of the time.. it goes straight off me onto the baby anyway.

She is a giant. I am shrinking.

Last night the Cub cried for roughly two hours with my endlessly patient husband pacing around the nursery with Cub alternately on his shoulder, in the rugby ball position, lying on his chest, on his knee.

So, safe in the knowledge that she would have a bottle with her Dad at 10pm, I decided to hang it all and in quick succession downed a diet coke, a glass of white wine and then ate a fairly spicy dinner.

At 9pm a wail went up from her room just as we were finishing dinner. I went up to see what was up, and she started making those very distinctive rooting moves.. So I stuck her on the boob just to soothe her and get her to go back to sleep.

And you know what?

She conked out and slept for five hours.

Bugger the advice above.. where's the chocolate?

Reasons to be cheerful...

1. See above picture.

2. I am back in my pre-pregnancy jeans.. with a 6 week old baby. (Victoria Beckham eat your heart out.. even us lesser mortals can do it.)

3. Stress can sometimes have it's advantages.

4. There is no 4. at the moment. Maybe tomorrow.

Missing out..

I'm having a bleak moment.

I didn't realise how much I would miss out on by having another baby. These last few weeks I have sent my big girls off dressed as fabulous witches to go trick or treating.. and as I write they are 'ooooohhhing' and 'aaahhing' at Ravenscourt Park fireworks display.

Without me..

They set off with Bush Daddy and the Ballerina who kindly volunteered to go along for the ride and see what this crazy English fireworks business is all about. As they strode off down the road carrying their Deutsche lanterns that they made with her this week out of papier mache, especially for tonight, I watched from the bedroom window, with a wriggling colicky baby on my shoulder, about to breastfeed for the gazzillionth time today and I couldn't help feeling just a little bit blue.

A girlfriend who has also just had a baby was telling me today how she is not feeling at all maternal, and just craves to get her life back and to spend time with her older two. She is already throwing in the towel on breast feeding as she can't stand the tie.. and is trying to cram herself into her pre-pregnancy clothes. Whilst I'm not at this stage yet, I do miss being able to do all the fabulous things that you can do with kids at this time of the year. And it is slightly galling watching husband go off into the night with my children and the au pair.. not that I'm worried at all.. she is the best ever and the kids just think of her as big sister. But that should be me and I want that bit of my life back - NOW.

I adore my baby and am so in love with her even though it looks like she is developing colic which I've never had with the other two. But six weeks of broken nights are taking their toll. I am exhausted, run down, have a sore throat, itchy eyes, a permanent headache and to top it all - a colicky baby who has now screamed for one hour at bedtime the last two nights.

I am sitting here, trying not to cry, downing a very large glass of wine, listening to the large bangs going on around me having not seen one single firework yet this year.

Bring on next year. I'm booking a babysitter already.

364 days left til Halloween..

and after two different parties, endless sweets, neverending sugar rushes, upset tummies, gangs of youths at our door demanding sweets in a slightly scary threatening way, the smell of burnt pumpkin pervading every corner of the house..

..thank god.

Bite size chunks.

My life now takes place in five minute slots.

Whereas before three hours of freedom whilst Mini was at nursery was a luxury, now, five minutes of freedom is a luxury.

I am narrowing what I can do in five minutes (or less) down to a fine art. So far today in between feeds, sleeps, nappies and burps I have:

- Wrapped up two birthday presents.
- Written a birthday card.
- Carved out one pumpkin.
- Carved out another pumpkin.
- Dug the old Maclaren out of the shed.
- Put a wash on.
- Written one email.
- Written this.
- Made a cup of tea.
- Unpacked two bags of Ocado shopping.
- Unpacked two more bags.
- Unpacked two more bags..
- Put the oven on.

.. and so it goes on.

Any attempts at doing any more than this in these slots lead to total futile frustration on my part, as a wail goes up from the pram/cot/moses basket/play gym.

Life now takes place in bite size chunks.

A squash and a squeeze..

Last week when I was sitting in my kitchen feeding the baby, watching my two other children charging around dressed as princesses, toys strewn across the floor, pram shoved in the corner, au pair cooking tea, husband arriving home.. it suddenly felt very crowded.

My fairly large kitchen which has suited us perfectly over the last three and a half years, suddenly felt very very small. Too small.

With three adults and three children now living in our four bedroom terrace, and the days drawing in leaving us all more house bound it is all becoming a bit cosy.

Suddenly our five year "exit London" plan seems a distant glimmer. Our aim was that Cub would not go to school in London. Senior will go through her primary school; Mini will start next September; Cub will go to school in the countryside wherever we happen to end up living. EG in five years time.

But suddenly this seems far too far away. I cannot picture us all living in this house for another five years. I think we will all murder each other by then.

The girls went off to mum's yesterday afternoon. So this morning it was just the three of us having breakfast - me, BD and the Cub.. and suddenly the house seemed gigantic again. The kitchen was as spacious and roomy as it always was. It was tidy and quiet.

And the words of Julia Donaldson's fabulous book came to me.. the little old lady who lived all by herself and the wise old man who helped her because her house was a squash and a squeeze. He tells her to take in all her animals, which she does, and then when they are all crammed in, he tells her to send them out again, which she does and suddenly her house feels like a palace with just her left in it.

I now know how she feels..